So this is the moment when I reveal exactly what’s been happening because though it’s been fun, people are too dense to get it and these asks are taking up too much of my time, so I have to spell everything out for you guys. This is it in a nut shell: I am not a man-killer, but I am also not a troll. I didn’t even intend to trick anyone.While I was giving voice to real frustration as a woman in a patriarchy, I was also being satirical in my methods of doing so and I never thought anyone would take me literally. When they did, it turned into a completely accidental social experiment that revealed just how sexist men are and just how much internalized misogyny many women have—and how willing both are to buy into the fiction of the man-hating feminist.

This all began with one post. ONE POST I made after I read Valerie Solanas’ S.C.U.M. manifesto in which she advocates killing all men. A one sentence post asking readers to give me one reason not to exterminate all the men, complete with “COME AT ME BRO” gif. I thought I might get a few angry asks. I never expected to get hundreds of messages and to ultimately double my follower count. The last thing I expected? For anyone to take my post LITERALLY. And yet hundreds did. So when I answered people’s asks, I used what I thought was obviously over the top language: congratulating women who agreed with me on “joining the pink side” as my “comrades.” Dubbing men worthless, disgusting, smelly, etc. Saying, “the revolution is nigh.” I never made a concerted effort to fool anyone. I even made a meta-post analyzing the ridiculousness of what was happening early on. I only stopped short of explicitly saying “I do not want to actually kill men,” because I decided to not back down to comfort men in their delusion that angry women everywhere are some threat to them, because I think a woman should be able to hate their oppressors without being dubbed the next Hitler, because I was shocked and amused by the mass delusion, the readiness so many people had to buy into the myth of the man-hating feminist when all indicators pointed to its unreality. Even as many fellow feminists were in the joke and publicly offered me their support. And yet, a male IRL friend of mine even fanmailed me, hurt that I wanted him dead, saying it was the most hurt he had ever been. I think that’s true of a good chunk of the men in my box: they’ve never been so offended—which speaks to their privilege.

Of course, many women readily bought into it, too, which goes to show you how pervasive internalized misogyny is. I’ve met plenty of women IRL who disparage feminists or other women. A number of women in my ask box even admitted to preferring men over women. What most of the people in my ask box did, though, was harass, belittle and talk down to me. It was clear they were dog-piling me, truing to intimidate me into shutting up. What these people, both women and men, “feminists” included, hated most was that I was a woman who wasn’t afraid to hate men—vocally. I was one of those bitches, unpleasant, stubborn and aggressive, things women are not allowed to be, “proving” all men’s worst fears about women: that we need to be kept in line lest we do to them what they have historically done to us. Obviously, a lot of “feminists” who want to be let into the Boys Club had reason to turn on me. There are only two ways to try to end your oppression: appeal to your oppressors or revolt. Many women are doing the former—despite or because of the fact it may mean ultimately becoming oppressors too. Of the queer, the trans*, the disabled, WOC—whoever they can throw under the bus.

Don’t dismiss what I was doing as just satire, though, because my rage and hatred, and that of many women, are real. We are sick of fearing and experiencing rape, harassment, dismissal, violence, abuse, humiliation, etc. due to our gender. And we are mad. Don’t think otherwise for a second. I don’t hate every man as an individual. Only the construction of maleness predicated on domination in a society that privileges anything masculine. Only men’s widely shared tendency to benefit from privilege and to ignore the plight of women. To voice their complaints about their paper cuts so loudly they drown out women who are hobbling along on broken legs under their feet. So there are a lot of men I do hate. There are a lot of men I encounter frequently who deserve my anger. But despite what a lot of you might think, I don’t spend a lot of my time being angry at them. I funnel my energy toward reading and writing. And most of the time, I move through my life as a positive. passionate person. It’s another reason I’m done here.

And the discoveries I made during this whole ordeal are real as well. From the lesbian woman who disbelieves in rape culture, to the legions of straight cis able-bodied white men who refuse to acknowledge their privilege no matter how much they have to bend over backwards into irrationality to do so. From the “fauxminists” who will throw unpleasant women under the bus to appease men to the men willing to threaten rape, harassment and throw sexist slurs at women once they have the excuse of “reverse sexism.” I now have a better sense of who my enemies are, and there are more of you than I ever imagined. I now have a better sense of what I’m up against as a feminist and it’s far greater than I had ever dreamed. On the flip side, I have made feminist friends I wouldn’t have otherwise, and at least one friendship I’m already beginning to treasure.

So what now? I will continue blogging as a feminist. But I’m turning off anon asks for now. And I figure I’ll receive less asks following this post. I figure things may return back to “normal” or as normal as it can get. I will continue to hate men when I feel like, to refuse to throw men parties when they pass muster as decent human beings, to advocate for women first in my feminism, to strive to have a feminism inclusive of WOC and trans* women, to never shed one tear for men crying over their paper cuts, and to be a misandrist for life who gives them a few more scrapes to cry about—whatever it takes to highlight the sexism, racism, homophobia, transphobia and ableism in the oppressive culture we live in. I don’t care about stepping on the toes of men and their sympathizers in the process. I have been asked many times why I don’t sympathize with the plight of men in a patriarchy. And my reason is that, historically, when oppressors have been most antsy, most upset, most offended, most outraged: it’s when the subjugated are making gains. As they say, it’s always darkest before dawn.