every time i make a straight-unfriendly or straight ally-critical post i lose at least one follower
ooooops
That’s how you know you are doing it right.
I guess that must be right! I just wish that a post telling straight allies not to brush off their queer friends/family coming out like it’s no big deal wouldn’t be that controversial…
every time i make a straight-unfriendly or straight ally-critical post i lose at least one follower
ooooops
i’m getting real sick of the whole queer-person-comes-out-and-is-really-stressed-about-it-this-is-a-big-deal-for-them-but-lol-the-super-progressive-straight friend-or-family-member-is-SO-cool-with-it-that-all-they-say-is-“k, want a soda?”
NO.
NO.
NO.
NO.
NO.
Do you fucking get that for many people coming out is scary? That for most of us this is a big moment in our lives that we’ll never forget? Like do you understand that many of us need reassurance and perhaps want to talk about what we’ve gone through? like do you understand how invalidating it is for someone to brush this off??? And that acting that way doesn’t automatically make you SOOOO accepting of gay people or earn you a “get out of homophobia free” card?
My mom acted like this—casual, dismissive—about me coming out. But it wasn’t because it wasn’t a big deal, I think. She’s later revealed to me that she’s had some issues accepting it. So her not really saying much and just going “ok” was a way for her to not bring out in the open the complexities of what she felt about my sexuality. And it hurt me in the long run because, at the time, I was confused about her reaction which felt very anticlimactic and invalidating to me, and then later I thought she was accepting because she didn’t bring up any conflicts, but it turns out that though she is supportive, she does have some issues accepting me and some doubts/fears I wish should would have let us start sorting through the begin with, but it’s so much harder after you put a lid on it by being dismissive in the first place.
And even if you are accepting of your queer friend or family member, we can’t read your mind if you say “ok, cool,” and move on. When you do that you effectively shut us up and disallow any conversation about how we feel or what we’ve been through, or any access to your feelings on the matter. You shut down conversation about how both people feel about this moment, even if you knew your friend/family member was queer, this is still a big step for this person to be open to you about it.
So if your friend/family member comes out to you, can you please NOT invalidate their feelings by only saying, “ok cool?” Can you please not dismiss them and change the subject or act as if “nothing has changed” or this is “no big deal.” Because that a big fat lie. The person talking to you is trusting you. The person coming out to you is making a big step for themselves. The person coming out to you isn’t just like you: they are queer and they’ve dealt with shit you never will. This doesn’t mean all coming out stories are super dramatic, just that it is a milestone for a lot of people or at least a moment that should be handled with appropriate consideration of the other person’s feelings and with being honest and open about your own.
| — | Amy Richlin, The Garden of Priapus: Sexuality and Aggression in Roman Humor (via brute-reason) |
I am beginning to see that tumblr feminists and extreme feminists are some of the most insecure people I have come across in my life. The way they frame most debates inadvertently paints women as the weaker and more helpless sex and most of their comments and arguments make me actively not want to join their cause. Then when you try to meet them on a middle ground many get verbally and emotionally abusive, especially when you start using facts and quotes.
They also talk an awful lot about what “the other” is doing or what the other has, or the privileges of the other. They rarely mention what they are doing themselves to make things equal for everybody or worse for themselves (e.g. I have NEVER bought an objectifying woman’s fashion magazine in my life).
My therapist would say this kind of language about the other shows a severe sign of jealousy and low self-esteem as they are focused on all the things the other has or does (which is out of their circle of control) instead of focusing on changing their own behaviors, actions, and thinking (i.e. things within their circle of control) to change their situation so that they might be able to acquire what they perceive the other has.
It is very perplexing to me that women would join a group whose language promotes idea that women are weaker than men.But you see, we don’t want that kind of privilege, we don’t want to be able to actually go around and violate basic human rights of men and get away with it, even be awarded for it. We’re not in the least interested in being on the same level of power as men, because it is oppressive. It would of course also be impossible for both groups in an oppressive system to have the oppressive position, that’s not how it works.
The privileges and power men are granted in this society are absurd and what feminism aims to do is to make it impossible for anyone to have that kind of unfair and privileged position, it aims for EQUALITY, remember?
Oh my fucking god, I can’t believe this person just attempted to pathologize half the entire population with their bull shit.
Why is it so weird to talk about how a group of people having tons of rights and opportunities kept from them and being raped and assaulted for their gender are disadvantaged in society? Like what do you expect people to do who have been systemically shat on all their lives? Just suddenly make themselves equal *poof* to people who’ve been oppressing them all this time?
You know what you remind me of? You remind me of people who tell me to ‘get over” my depression or anxiety. Like if I just had enough willpower it would “go away.” You don’t understand that these are really deeply intrenched serious problems that need real solutions and treatment. I wonder what your therapist would think of that.
and lol “no one” talks about what women are doing? That’s ALL society at large talks about! Women hating each other, how horrible fashion magazines are, how sexist twilight and other women-made media is, ignoring the fact MEN created patriarchy and enforce it an benefit from it. Excuse us for wanting to deepen the conversation for once.
We’re fighting tooth and nail to “change our situation.’ How do you think Roe v Fucking wade passed? How do you think we go the right to vote? What do you think organizations like NOW and Planned Parenthood are doing???
I think what I resent the most about your post though is that we aren’t “changing our thinking.” How the fuck do you think we even got to the stage where we can fucking CALL ourselves feminists in a culture that shits on feminism constantly? That we can even like ourselves or remotely even respect ourselves after being torn down by a woman-hating society all our lives? By changing our thinking. By questioning all the male-centric, misogynistic tropes in the media. All the sexist myths we’re told. Ask any fucking woman and she’ll tell you she’s thought she’s fat or ugly in the past or still does. You’d be hard pressed to find a woman who loves herself. Those of us who do, or get anywhere close to that have spent our entire lives, “changing our thinking” despite the odds.
So sorry if we’re ‘emotionally abusive’ but what you’re saying is just insulting, patronizing and dead wrong.
Social anxiety isn’t cool.
OCD isn’t cool.
Bipolar disorder isn’t cool.
Depression isn’t cool.
Cutting isn’t cool.
Phobias aren’t cool.
Trauma isn’t cool.
Sleep disorders aren’t cool.
Eating disorders aren’t cool.
They’re real things, they’re scary, and pretending you have them is just fucking obnoxious and an insult.
AMEN
Here is the thing, okay? Coming into a feminist conversation with, “Have you considered that sometimes women acquire free drinks at bars?” is like walking into graduate school during Philosophy finals and saying, “Have you considered that the color blue that I see may not be the color blue that you see?”
Imagine you are the guy who just walked into that Philosophy class and laid that shit down. Imagine the class full of students who have worked very hard and committed themselves and sacrificed to be here, students who have spent several years of their lives learning about this subject. Imagine now their feelings when you go to the head of the classroom with a smirk on your face and demand the professor give you an A for effort. Imagine now that they think you are a douchebag asshole, because they do, and because you are. You are a douchebag asshole because you are obviously so self-centered, arrogant, and completely ignorant of the world around you, that you thought you could walk into a high-level course with no background and no work and say something profoundly simplistic and totally unrelated and also everybody should congratulate you for having done this thing, so brave, so provocative.
[….]
You are not asking us a real question. You are simply illustrating, for all to see, your own ignorance. You are saying, “I have not considered the implications of the question I have just asked. I have not taken the time nor effort nor commitment to sit down and ask myself this question. Instead, I have come into your philosophy classroom/office/feminist blog and shat out my question with a smirk, because I believe that my two seconds of thought are worth more than your long-term analysis, because I believe I am worth more.”
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Fugivitus: A few things to consider when you find a feminist blog (via absolutely-spiffing) I will reblog this every damn time I see it on my dash. Every time. |
